Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Countdown's Vorderman Mauled by Grizzly Bear

First Published: 3rd April 2006      Source: The Observant

Vorderman: 600 stitches
Television presenter Carol Vorderman was fighting for her life last night, after a 900lb grizzly bear got into the Countdown studio and carried out what horrified audience members describe as a "frenzied attack" on the show's 46 year old co-host.

The attack took place during filming of the hit Channel 4 show, as Carol - who earns £1m a year for her part in the programme - revealed the correct solution to the game's numbers segment.

Sunni Rebels Prepare Attack on White House

First Published: 20th March 2006      Source: The Observant

Sunni Rebels in the Iraqi city of Falluja were preparing for a full scale assault on the White House yesterday, following intelligence reports of a weak spot in the building's construction.  The weakness is said to lie in a previously undetected thermal exhaust port, which Arab spies claim is large enough to be penetrated by a "single, carefully aimed torpedo".

"The White House is too well defended for a full frontal attack," Sunni radical fundamentalist Endji Benzee reportedly told a loyal band of supporters at their concealed Fallujah base.  "But we believe a small group of freedom fighters could penetrate the outer defences on foot, and get close enough to fire a portable missile at the exposed exhaust port."

INTERPOL Swoops on Internet Thieves

First Published: 15th April 2006        Source: The Observant

Web surfers the world over were left lost, bewildered, and having to find something else to do yesterday, after a gang of Malaysian men succeeded in stealing the internet.

It is believed the gang had lain in wait for several hours until all 960 million of the world's internet users weren't looking, before making their move.  Working quickly, three of the men are thought to have disconnected the internet, before bundling it into the back of a stolen Ford transit van which was driven by a fourth accomplice.

Prince Abdul Bunda Finally Escapes Nigeria

First Published: 21st April 2006        Source: The Observant

Prince Abdul Bunda, son of the murdered Nigerian ruler, King Bundu Koroma, finally arrived in the UK yesterday, after sending several hundred thousand fruitless e-mails asking British citizens for their assistance.

Abdul (25), whose father was killed by his own brother in 2003 over a monetary dispute, has spent the last three years in hiding, sending e-mail after e-mail in the hope he would eventually find someone from the UK willing to assist him in moving his late father's thirty million dollar fortune out of Nigeria.

Doctors Discover Miracle Obesity Cure

First published: 17th April 2006         Source: The Observant

Doctors at Germany's renowned Hasselhoff Institute have announced the discovery of a "miracle cure" for obesity, which they claim to have tested on hundreds of adult subjects with complete success.

The cure was discovered by a team led by Dr Gunther Herzweld, a dietician specialising in adult clinical obesity, and is set to revolutionise the way millions of overweight people worldwide go about losing weight.